Two leaders, one conflict
Two heads of department receive the same news on the same day: an important customer is terminating its contract. The first immediately calls his team together, vents his anger and demands an explanation by the evening. The mood turns and everyone starts looking for someone to blame.
The second takes half an hour before he reacts. He notices how disappointed he is. He decides not to pass this disappointment on to his team unfiltered. In the conversation with his team he openly says that the loss hurts. Then he asks what everyone can learn from it. The next day three concrete improvements are on the table.
Both are equally competent professionally. What makes the difference is their emotional intelligence. In this article you will find out what emotional intelligence is, why it achieves so much in leadership and how you can develop it deliberately.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence describes the ability to perceive and understand your own feelings and the feelings of others and to deal with them consciously. The psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer introduced the term into research in 1990. It became widely known through Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book “Emotional Intelligence”.
Feelings are important information. Anger shows that a boundary has been crossed. Uncertainty shows that something new lies ahead. Those who perceive and interpret these signals make better decisions and lead conversations more effectively.
The five areas of emotional intelligence
Daniel Goleman describes emotional intelligence in five areas. They build on one another and can be developed individually.
- Self-awareness. You recognise your own feelings, strengths and weaknesses and understand how they influence your behaviour.
- Self-regulation. You deal with your feelings consciously. You react thoughtfully, even when something annoys or unsettles you.
- Motivation. You act from inner drive, pursue goals with perseverance and remain confident even after setbacks.
- Empathy. You perceive what others feel and need. You include this perception in your decisions.
- Social skills. You build relationships, lead difficult conversations, resolve conflicts and bring people together.
Why emotional intelligence achieves so much in leadership
In a much-cited 1998 article in the Harvard Business Review, Goleman described how emotional intelligence becomes more important for leaders the higher their position. Specialist knowledge is an entry ticket. Whether someone is effective as a leader is decided by the way they deal with people.
This shows in many places in everyday work:
- In conversations. Emotionally intelligent leaders notice when the other person hesitates and ask about it. This brings the real issues to the table.
- In conflicts. Those who can regulate their own feelings remain clear and solution-oriented even in tense situations.
- In times of change. Change triggers uncertainty. Leaders who take these feelings seriously win their team over to the path ahead.
- In the team. The leader’s mood carries over to the team. Those who radiate calm create room for good work.
- In decisions. Feelings influence every decision. Those who perceive them can include them consciously.
Emotional intelligence is also an important foundation for psychological safety in the team. People speak more openly when they sense that their leader notices how they are doing.
Empathy: the core of good leadership
Among the five areas, empathy has a special significance for leadership. Empathy means taking another person’s perspective and understanding what moves them. It sits well with clear decisions and conflicts that are dealt with openly.
Empathetic leaders can make clear decisions and still understand what those decisions mean for the people affected. They deliver difficult news with respect, take reactions seriously and still stand by their decision. This combination of clarity and compassion creates trust.
Emotional intelligence and self-leadership
At Living Sense Executive we understand emotional intelligence as part of self-leadership. Anyone who wants to lead others must first be able to lead themselves. This begins with perceiving your own inner processes.
Many of the leaders we support are excellent at reading figures, markets and processes. They often only notice their own feelings once they have already acted. The path to greater emotional intelligence therefore begins with a simple question you can ask yourself several times a day: What am I feeling right now and what is this feeling trying to tell me?
The body often shows a feeling earlier than the mind does: a tight throat before a presentation, tense shoulders in a negotiation, shallow breathing before a difficult conversation. Those who notice these signals gain a moment before the reaction runs automatically. That is why many of the leaders we support start with a brief moment of body awareness before important meetings: two conscious breaths, feeling the feet on the floor, relaxing the shoulders. These few seconds often change the quality of the whole conversation.
The article The most powerful machine in the company is running in your head describes how strongly our thinking shapes our actions. You can read how mindful perception shows in everyday leadership in the article Mindful Leadership in the Executive Board.
When emotional intelligence is lacking: three typical patterns
A lack of emotional intelligence usually shows in recurring patterns that drain the team’s energy over time. We encounter three of them particularly often:
- The pressure amplifier. The leader passes on their own stress unfiltered. Every piece of bad news from above lands in the team immediately and with full force. The result is hectic activity and fear of making mistakes.
- The permanent problem solver. As soon as someone describes a concern, the leader delivers the solution. What the person actually needs, such as a hearing or encouragement, goes unnoticed.
- The untouchable. Criticism bounces off and feedback is explained away or played down. Over time the team stops giving feedback, and the leader loses important information.
All three patterns share one piece of good news: anyone who recognises them in themselves has already taken the most important step.
Emotional intelligence in the leadership team
Emotional intelligence also has an effect at the level of the leadership team. An executive board whose members listen to each other, address tensions and deal respectfully with differences of opinion makes better decisions. It also serves as a role model for the whole company.
A short moment at the beginning of each meeting helps, in which every member says in one sentence what state of mind they are arriving in. What feels unusual at first quickly creates a climate in which difficult topics can be raised as well.
Can emotional intelligence be learned?
Yes. Unlike the classic intelligence quotient, emotional intelligence can be developed well into old age. It grows through practice, reflection and feedback. These five exercises will help you:
1. Name your feelings
For two weeks, briefly note after important meetings which feeling you had. The more precisely you name it, the better you can deal with it. “Annoyed” is something different from “disappointed” or “overlooked”.
2. Use the moment before the reaction
When something stirs you up, take three conscious breaths before you reply. This small moment separates stimulus and response and gives you the choice of how you want to act.
3. Listen to understand
In your next conversation, listen with the intention of understanding the other person rather than preparing an answer straight away. At the end, summarise what you have heard and ask whether you have understood it correctly.
4. Ask for feedback
Ask two people you trust how you come across to others when you are under pressure. Their feedback shows you what you can hardly see from the inside.
5. Change perspective
Before a difficult conversation, consider how the situation looks from the other person’s point of view. What matters to this person and what do they fear?
Developing emotional intelligence with support
Emotional intelligence grows most strongly when you reflect on your experiences with someone who holds up a clear mirror. In our Coaching for Leaders we work on your perception, on your patterns under pressure and on the impact you want to achieve. If you want to deepen emotional intelligence as part of a holistic leadership competence, the Cert. Holistic and Mindful Leader offers a well-founded programme that places self-management and perception at its centre.
Conclusion: impact begins with perception
Emotional intelligence determines whether professional competence actually has an impact in a team. It shows in the way you listen, how you deal with pressure and how you lead difficult conversations. The good news is that it can be developed. Begin by perceiving your own feelings. Soon you will notice how your leadership changes as well.
Frequently asked questions about emotional intelligence
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and understand your own feelings and the feelings of others and to deal with them consciously. The term comes from Peter Salovey and John Mayer and became widely known through Daniel Goleman.
Which areas make up emotional intelligence?
According to Daniel Goleman there are five areas: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
Why is emotional intelligence important for leaders?
It influences how leaders conduct conversations, deal with conflicts, guide change and make decisions. The higher the position, the stronger its effect on the whole team.
Can emotional intelligence be trained?
Yes. Emotional intelligence can be developed throughout life through practice, reflection and feedback. Naming feelings, listening consciously and changing perspective before difficult conversations all help.
What is the difference between empathy and emotional intelligence?
Empathy is part of emotional intelligence. It describes the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Emotional intelligence also includes dealing with your own feelings, motivation and social skills.
